You never stop wondering - why...

Sarah is working on a project where she needs to write about her family and provide pictures. This project was due last week, but I asked her teacher for an extension, because of all that was going on preparing for Randy's surgery. Or so I thought. Turns out that it wasn't because of the upcoming surgery at all. I've been putting off helping her because it meant that I would have to go digging through old photographs. Particularly photos of my mom. I have boxes and boxes of them. I haven't looked at any of these photos in years. Sure I have a few photos of my mom around. Hell, there is a 3.5 ft x 4.5 ft portrait of her as soon as you come into the house. I see these photos everyday, I walk by the portrait a least a dozen times a day. But somehow going through all the photographs looking for one of my mom with Sarah was excruciatingly difficult. Mom and Sarah at Disney when Sarah was 5 months old. Mom feeding Sarah her first solid food. Sarah and Mom at Christmas in Ottawa. Sarah and my mom at Cindy's wedding. I know there is happiness and love in those pictures, but I can't seem to see any of that in her eyes in those moments. Sure she is smiling and looks great, but I just can't get past knowing what was to come. The knowing now taints every photo of her that I look at, every memory that I hold. I want to know why, why weren't we enough to keep her here. How could Max and Sarah not be enough to keep her here. I know how much she loved them. Why, why wasn't that enough...
This time of year is always a challenge, I really thought that I was going to be able to sail through this one this year. Last year was tough, first year without Grand Father Jack. This is our fourth year without my mom and it doesn't get any easier. The pain is always there, you just get used to it, and you are left forever wounded.